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Monday, November 7, 2011

Stand Out Synopsis/Query

Morning Everyone!


I'm happy to announce that Stand Out Synopsis has a query to review.  I want to thank Christina Tetreault for letting us review her query.  As always my red lines are included below. 

Please help Christina out and add your advice, tips, and suggestions in the comments section.  Remember we are here to help each other out.  I'll always looking for submissions so if you have anything, send it in.  How to submit can be found on the right hand side bar.


Callie's Reluctant Reunion is a 58,800 word completed manuscript targeted for Harlequin's Special Edition line.  It is to be the first in a four book series. I like how you get straight to the point and let the agent/publisher know this book is the first in a series

Callie Taylor, is an elementary school teacher in Slatersville Massachusetts. (this sounds like the town is recovering not Callie. I’d make a new sentence) She is still recovering from the loss of her mother when a bombshell is dropped at her front door.  All her life she believed that her father was dead, killed in a car accident, but nothing could be further from the truth.  Before dying her mother confessed the truth to her closest friend. (Who’s closet friend? Callie’s or her mother’s)  Callie's father is none other than billionaire and presidential candidate Warren Sherbrooke.  

Callie had always considered her mom one of her best friends and is devastated when she learns her mother kept the truth from her.  Until Callie can come to terms with her mother's betrayal, she doesn't even want to think about her father let alone meet him.  Unfortunately, she is forced to deal with him much sooner than she plans when his stepson, Dylan Talbot shows up at her apartment.  Though she refuses at first, Callie eventually agrees to a meeting with her father at his secure mansion in Newport Rhode Island.

Dylan Talbot is a gorgeous multimillionaire who although is devoted to his family has vowed to never fall in love again.  When his stepfather Warren Sherbrooke receives a letter from a past love telling him they have a daughter together, Dylan is instantly suspicious.  Though Warren insists on going to Callie himself, Dylan convinces Warren to let him handle things.   A shrewd judge of character, it doesn't take Dylan long to determine that Callie is no threat to his stepfather.

However convincing his mother and Warren's campaign manager is another matter. (This sentence should be in the other paragraph)  As a result Dylan agrees to keep a close eye on Callie and make sure she stays away from the media. (I’m not sure you need that part) Quickly their relationship develops into more than friends.  After over hearing a conversation between Dylan and the campaign manager, Callie learns the truth about Dylan's apparent interest in her. 

It is only after Callie and Dylan both come to terms with their fears that find they find their happily ever after.

While I have not yet been published, I have been a member for RWA for seven years.  I am also a member of Rhode Island Romance Writers.

I look forward to hearing from you.  Thank you for your time and consideration.


Sincerely,


Christina Tetreault

5 comments:

  1. This is a nice query - everything is there! It sounds like a very intriguing story.
    My only comment would be that it reads more like a synopsis than a query letter. You give away a lot of the story - even the ending (if I saw that right.) A query is like a movie trailer or the back of a book - enough information to get the reader's attention, but no more.
    I think if you'd compress this down and keep it focused only on the main character and main conflict, you'd have a terrific query!
    I hope this helped. Good luck with it!

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  2. Thanks T. Drecker great observation!

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  3. I like your story idea. Especially how the father is a presidential candidate--it seems very relevant and raises the stakes a whole lot! I wouldn't mention that you haven't been published yet even though you've essentially been trying for 7 years. Not necessary, and it doesn't inspire confidence. Also, I wouldn't mention their "happily ever after"--it seems a little cliche and also too much information. I like queries that leave me wanting more, I don't want to know yet about any ending.

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  4. I do agree that it reveals a little too much. The concept leaves room for lots of tension, some tightening can make more of a hook.

    The title doesn't seem to be right to me either. Too straight-forward. Sounds like more of a comedy film than a romance book. It may just be a working title though.

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  5. Thanks for the feed back guys. Now this is what I'm talking about! :-) Helping out a fellow writer. Keep up the comments!

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