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Monday, December 5, 2011

Stand Out Query MG- Tonja Drecker

I'm happy to introduce another entry for Stand Out Synopsis/Query Monday. Today Tonja Drecker has submitted her query for her MG novel for review. I have posted the query I received as is below for you to read, after the original I have written my red lines and changes.


When thirteen-year-old Daniel sits down for breakfast, an obnoxious alien bounces out of the fridge and whisks him away to a distant planet. Daniel thought he was the most normal boy on Earth. But he was wrong.

 BASIC INTELLIGENCE MODEL is a 51,000-word science fiction manuscript for children ages nine and up. This middle-grade novel is a standalone with series potential.

Although Daniel doesn’t want to believe it, he is an alien. He isn’t green. Antennas are not growing out of his head. He doesn’t even have any amazing super-powers.  But the arrogant, alien Princess Tyra expects him to help her regain her throne from an evil lord. Daniel refuses and returns to his uncle’s farm, but Tyra isn’t about to let him go that easily. She follows him back to Earth, enrolls in his school, and promises not to leave until he has saved her world.

A couple years ago, I had the priviledge of receiving a request from you to review a full on another manuscript. Although you declined, I appreciated not only your valuable insights, but  the fact that you took the time and effort to make them.

Okay now that you have read the original here are my red lines and changes. Once again this is only advice, what the author does with the advice and changes made are entirely up to them.

Red Lines

Although Thirteen-year-old Daniel doesn’t want to believe he is an alien. He isn’t green. Antennas are not growing out of his head. He doesn’t even have any amazing super-powers.  So when he sits down for breakfast and an obnoxious alien bounces out of the fridge and whisks him away to a distant planet, Daniel thinks this just couldn’t happen. he was the most to a normal boy on Earth. He was wrong.

He is taken to a planet where the arrogant alien Princess Tyra expects him to help her regain her throne from an evil lord. Daniel refuses and returns to his uncle’s farm, but Tyra isn’t about to let him go that easily, she follows him back to Earth, enrolls in his school, and promises not to leave until he has saved her world.

BASIC INTELLIGENCE MODEL is a 51,000-word science fiction manuscript novel for children ages nine and up. This middle-grade novel is a standalone with series potential. (I’ve heard different people say different things here on if writers should mention this is series potential. To be honest I’m torn here) anyone have words of advice?

 I had the privilege of receiving a request from you to review a full on another manuscript. Although you declined,

A couple years ago I received word from you to resubmit when I had another novel to submit for query. I appreciated your valuable insights, and the fact that you took the time and effort to make them. I have available a finished copy of my manuscript for your review upon your request. I look forward to hearing from you. I can be reached at…….

Okay world you're turn. What changes do you have for Tonja? Please put them in the comments. And remember if you have a synopsis or query spread the word and send them in!

1 comment:

  1. Thanks, Cynthia! It's always nice to have another couple of eyes on these.

    ReplyDelete